The Dance is Done

What a a Fantastic Friday! Unfortunately, the weather here is a little gloomy, but my mood isn't. This is always a crazy busy time for us, with dance rehearsals, recitals, graduation, end of school activities, you know the bit. We never seem to slow down until the middle of June, and it always seems so great when it arrives. I try to pretend that I hate this busy month, but secretly I love it. Why? Probably, because it revolves around my two girls.

Tomorrow is Mabrees dance recital. Its always exciting and crazy. Mabree is good at everything she does, including dance. I'm not just saying that because she's my daughter. God has truly blessed her with a number of talents. It amazes me how quickly she can learn a routine. Mabree has decided that this is her last year of dance. We left the decision up to her whether she would continue to dance or pursue sports. She chose sports after finishing up this season. Its bittersweet to me. I've watched her every year advance to harder classes with no hesitance. Shes done it for so long, I was really surprised at her choice, but not disappointed. I've always taught her not to be afraid to try new things. I think thats how you grow.

Nine years ago, she was so tiny going into class for her first time. Just 3 years old at the time, her little pink leotard and tights were so cute....of course we took a gazillion pictures of her. I had so frantically made sure she had a cute dance bag, a few dance outfits, shoes. I didnt know if she would enjoy it or if it would be a fight every week to get her there. The first night, I was a little nervous not knowing what her reaction would be, but we opened the door and in she went. No hesitation, no clinging to mommys hand, no goodbye....We watched through the windows, I expected a nervous, shy, crying child to be looking back for me, but nothing. She was focused on her teacher and the mirror. I have to admit that I was kinda disappointed that she didnt search for me, but I was too excited watching her, that my disappointment soon faded.

Each week, we stood proudly watching her through the windows. She was learning the routine so quickly. In December, they were to ride in the Christmas parade. It was quite chilly, so we dressed her in warm clothes and mittens. As she passed by the crowd, she waved so sweetly to everyone. She was beaming with happiness, and so were we.

In May, dance recital time comes around. It usually falls on or around Mabrees birthday. This year will be her last. Yesterday as I drove her to rehearsal, she couldnt stop talking about it. I cant believe this is my last year she would say. I would reply back that it was still her choice and that we would support whatever decision she made. She just shook her head. She continued talking about how she was going to miss her dance friends, she had known them for so long, and wanted to come visit and maybe see next years recital. I just sat listening. I had no idea that she was taking it this hard. It was very difficult to listen to her, because I was in awe that she was expressing herself to me. Even as we sat down to eat dinner with my mom, before rehearsals started, she brought it up to her. Talking up a storm. I think even my mom was a little taken back by her conversation. Mabree never talks this much, maybe she feels overshadowed by her little sister, or maybe she just needed to express how much of a loss this really was in her life.

I never in a million years would have guessed that she would quit dance. I thought we would be doing this for the rest of her teenage years. But I am so proud that she has chosen to try something new, and confidently, not hesitantly. Mabree will probably struggle a little bit when dance season starts again in the fall, and whatever she chooses, we will stand behind her in support. It seems like such a small decision as an adult, but in her eyes, this is life changing. The thing thats shes done every week since she was 3, will be a thing of the past.

My BIG Little Girl

So I've decided since its Mabree's birthday week, I'm going to make it all about her. She turned a whopping 12 on Tuesday. Usually we make a big deal about birthday dinners, but not this year. She just wanted a simple dinner at home. Its not the first change I've seen in her lately,and I'm sure its only the beginning of a number of changes I will be seeing.

Mabree is the type of child that everybody likes. She is sweet (to most people), very laid back. Her dad and I always joke with her that she is on "Island time". She never rushes to do anything, just kinda eventually gets it done. I think shes a perfect mix of her dad and myself. She gets her laid back attitude from her dad, and her craziness from me. She never ceases to amaze me. Just when I least expect it, she does something that catches my heart. On her birthday, she went to leave to go to her dads, and forgot to give me a kiss and hug. It only took her a few seconds to realize but when she came back in, it wasnt the usual half hug and kinda kiss. It was a tight, like you mean it hug with an extra long kiss...I have to admit, it made my heart skip a beat. I don't get those too often, and I know that eventually I may not get them at all.

I know there will come a time, when her friends are hurrying her out the door, or her boyfriend is waiting at the movies, that she may not even say goodbye. I know that she is not my little girl anymore. Our conversations aren't about the stuffed animals shes sleeping with tonight, or the newest toy out in the store. My mind can't seem to wrap around the idea thats shes not 6. I want to cherish every minute I can get with her. I can see the days slipping by, and before I realize it, they will be gone. Some days I sit and watch my daughters in the yard playing, and I think...Mabree will be driving in 4 more years, and leaving for college in 2 years after that. I m not ready for any of it and I m probably not going without a fight. I m scared that she will want to go to the other end of the earth for school, and that I wont get to see her but twice a year. I m scared that she wont make good choices, and that I ll get a 2am tearful phone call, of which I can do nothing about. I guess thats where my faith is lacking.

I can remember doing everything for her, but now she wants to do it herself. She used to want to go places with me...now I m gradually heading to the backseat, and thats okay with me. I look back at pictures, and wonder if she would have been a different child had her dad and I not divorced. Would she have been so inverted?

I know God is holding her hand, even when she wont let me. That is comforting to me. I m glad Hes holding my hand too. I know that God has her life planned out for her despite what my plans may be. I pray that when the day comes, she allows God to lead her on a path that glorifies Him. I pray that I will never hold her back from doing what her heart desires. I pray that I can be a positive Christian role model for her on the days that she left her faith in her other purse. I know my prayers wont go unanswered, but they may not be answered the way I think they should be. I pray that she will be happy and always a fruit of the spirit, even in her weakest and most vulnerable moments. I would love to pray that she stay little for a lifetime, but that would be a selfish prayer, and would never be blessed.

I am her biggest fan, even though there are times she may not see me in the bleachers. I am her sounding board, even if she has pressed the mute button. I am her defender, even if I show up without armor. I am her protector, even if she doesnt see the net down below. .......and God? God is supervising, to make sure I dont mess it up...and if I do....He makes sure I know it. With God in her heart, she may stumble, but she will never fall.............

Twelve Going On.......... Grown

Yes I know, I know, its been WAYYYY too long since I last blogged. I had hoped to be a more consistent blogger, but as with anything else in my life, it seems to take a back seat to.......well life.

I have recently discovered a 12 year old stranger living in my house. Her name is Mabree. Mabree....Mabree....why does that name sound familiar? Oh yeah! I conceived her, birthed her, changed her diapers, fed her, you know the usual. She has become somewhat of a mystery to me....and I mean that in the kindest most loving words ever. In one week, she went from a little girl who didnt mind dressing in front of me, or taking a shower while I was in the bathroom to OH MY GOSH MOM can I get some privacy?!?! Huh? Really? I just couldn't have imagined that in one weeks time my daughter would become a young lady.

I try really hard to think back to when I was 12. Oh so long ago, different time and place. At 12, I was boy crazy, with my first real boyfriend, we were going out. I remember my mom saying going out? Where do you think you are going out to? Of course she couldnt possibly understand what going out meant....jeez the nerve of her, right? Now I look at my daughter, and see how very different she is now than I was. She could care less about boys.....I think. She's very into clothes and her appearance (which I must say just came out of the blue), friends, going places....socializing. We are very strict and dont really think she needs a social calendar quite yet. I am trying so hard to hold on to the little girl who loved to play with dolls, and polly pockets, and littliest pet shop...but its fading very fast.
I called my mom recently for some moral support, but all I got was laughter coming through the phone.....the reason you ask? Because supposedly, (its all hearsay)I am now getting a dose of what I dished out to her, and somehow my mother finds that quite entertaining. I described Mabrees reaction to "The Talk" (you know the one) as a deer in headlights, only to have my mother respond...."whos the deer in the headlights now" as she chuckled.....although eventually after much laughter, she did give some good grounded advice....Keep the line of communication open, but be realistic about my expectations of what she will actually tell me. I dont want to be realistic, I want to know everything! Mabree is one of those inverted personalities too. Doesnt get too excited, never know how shes really feeling, unless its anger. She expresses that with nooooooo problem. Just ask any door in the house....
Something popped into my head a few days ago, and I wrote it down. "I pray God gives me the words I need when my daughter has her first broken heart over a boy who didnt deserve her." Now I pray that she will tell me when she starts liking boys. Mabree says she doesnt tell me things because I m too emotional about everything, and that I cry about EVERYTHING! I dont cry about everything....not everything...!! I love my girls, and anything they do makes me emotional....I cried at Mabrees first volleyball game. I cry at every dance recital and school program, oh and when she sings in church, solo or group, or when she has done or said something so sweet....yeah shes right... I cry about everything....hahaha
I think my only alternative is to go with the flow. Very difficult to do when you're a control freak like myself. If I have any chance at all, I ll have to cry privately, and just be a sounding board for her.....ever so gently offering advice when solicited. Ya'll just pray for me....I need all I can get....and is it medically possible to remove tear ducts????