So I've decided since its Mabree's birthday week, I'm going to make it all about her. She turned a whopping 12 on Tuesday. Usually we make a big deal about birthday dinners, but not this year. She just wanted a simple dinner at home. Its not the first change I've seen in her lately,and I'm sure its only the beginning of a number of changes I will be seeing.
Mabree is the type of child that everybody likes. She is sweet (to most people), very laid back. Her dad and I always joke with her that she is on "Island time". She never rushes to do anything, just kinda eventually gets it done. I think shes a perfect mix of her dad and myself. She gets her laid back attitude from her dad, and her craziness from me. She never ceases to amaze me. Just when I least expect it, she does something that catches my heart. On her birthday, she went to leave to go to her dads, and forgot to give me a kiss and hug. It only took her a few seconds to realize but when she came back in, it wasnt the usual half hug and kinda kiss. It was a tight, like you mean it hug with an extra long kiss...I have to admit, it made my heart skip a beat. I don't get those too often, and I know that eventually I may not get them at all.
I know there will come a time, when her friends are hurrying her out the door, or her boyfriend is waiting at the movies, that she may not even say goodbye. I know that she is not my little girl anymore. Our conversations aren't about the stuffed animals shes sleeping with tonight, or the newest toy out in the store. My mind can't seem to wrap around the idea thats shes not 6. I want to cherish every minute I can get with her. I can see the days slipping by, and before I realize it, they will be gone. Some days I sit and watch my daughters in the yard playing, and I think...Mabree will be driving in 4 more years, and leaving for college in 2 years after that. I m not ready for any of it and I m probably not going without a fight. I m scared that she will want to go to the other end of the earth for school, and that I wont get to see her but twice a year. I m scared that she wont make good choices, and that I ll get a 2am tearful phone call, of which I can do nothing about. I guess thats where my faith is lacking.
I can remember doing everything for her, but now she wants to do it herself. She used to want to go places with me...now I m gradually heading to the backseat, and thats okay with me. I look back at pictures, and wonder if she would have been a different child had her dad and I not divorced. Would she have been so inverted?
I know God is holding her hand, even when she wont let me. That is comforting to me. I m glad Hes holding my hand too. I know that God has her life planned out for her despite what my plans may be. I pray that when the day comes, she allows God to lead her on a path that glorifies Him. I pray that I will never hold her back from doing what her heart desires. I pray that I can be a positive Christian role model for her on the days that she left her faith in her other purse. I know my prayers wont go unanswered, but they may not be answered the way I think they should be. I pray that she will be happy and always a fruit of the spirit, even in her weakest and most vulnerable moments. I would love to pray that she stay little for a lifetime, but that would be a selfish prayer, and would never be blessed.
I am her biggest fan, even though there are times she may not see me in the bleachers. I am her sounding board, even if she has pressed the mute button. I am her defender, even if I show up without armor. I am her protector, even if she doesnt see the net down below. .......and God? God is supervising, to make sure I dont mess it up...and if I do....He makes sure I know it. With God in her heart, she may stumble, but she will never fall.............
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