The Angel that Called Me Friend

As some of you may know, I lost one of my very close friends a few years back. Connie was the friend that everybody wanted. She always had something positive to say, always defended people that frankly didnt deserve it, and even when she tried to be mad, she was never successful. Sometimes, no alot of times, we would get angry with her for defending someone who didnt deserve the air she breathed.

I have many fond memories of her. I worked with her for years, and although she was closer to my best friend, I wasn't jealous. I think I saw myself as the kid sister in the relationship. I think of many times I didnt deserve her friendship. I think everyone around her took her for granted at times, but I loved her, and I will always love her.

The last time I spent time with her was about 3 weeks before she died. Traci invited me to be her date to the company Christmas party at Alltel Stadium. It was a little awkward for some reason. We decided to create our own after party and lets just say that we celebrated well. Again, things were just different. She had become a different person, and we all could see the reason, but she couldnt.

I did however see her one other time before her passing, and I will never forget the conversation she and I had. I wanted her to know how I felt about decisions that she was making. I wanted her to see that she wasnt the same person. It hurts me so bad to know that this was the last time I saw her. I should have told her I loved her, I should have hugged her, I should have never let her know how I felt, I should have been the friend to her that she was to me.

New Years Eve, my husband and I celebrated with great friends at Traci's. Connie had not arrived, and Traci and I were burning up her phone. 10,11,12,1,2,3..no Connie. She had stayed back at another party in Callahan with some other friends of ours.

Before the sun rose on the New Year, Connie was dead, and my world was rearranged. For the first few hours, I was just numb. How could she be dead? Why wasnt she with us? We would have never allowed her to leave. So many questions and even more blame. It didnt sink in until I called my mom. At that moment, I realized that the next time I saw her, she would be in the front of a church, in a coffin.

A sea of people came to pay their respects. The line went on for hours and hours....she had touched the lives of each of them. I reluctantly went to the front, where she lay, and I again became numb. It was real, and it was Connie, not the one I remember, but it was Connie. It was obvious to me that her death was not an easy one and the more I tried to convince myself that she died quickly, and without pain, the more I realized that she had not.

I remember sitting the next morning in the same church at her funeral service, trying to keep it together. Sitting between Traci and Jennifer, listening to the service, but off in another place, the last image of her etched into my mind. I fell to pieces.....only for someone to say to me..."You cant break down..you're the strong one"....me? The strong one? I failed to get THAT memo, but in a small instant, my tears had ceased for the time. It was a devastating loss to me. She was so many things to so many people, a mother, a sister, a daughter, my friend. Now she is my angel that probably talks me up to God, because thats what she does. She is making excuses for me probably as we speak. God needed her more than we did.